Stage fright

Stage fright
What a delight!
Haha I shouldn't start off with a rhyme
Those will come in good time

So my name is eric barcus
And yes this is my first time
Well acutally I've been in front of a mic before
but that it was for a mic check
which is sort of like that guy that tastes the Kings food to make sure it isn't poisoned

A friend asked me today if I had stage fright
I said yes, a little, but it is something I'm tring to fight
They said it wasn't something they would have guessed
I said assumptions are the worst ways in which to get dressed

You see, as I stand here today to speak words of isery, yes isery, ill be invinting new words to display the imagery
Because vocabulary is a narrow aproch to self expression
Each word has a definition
Which is all that that word can mean

So before i try to master self expression i should probably know a little bit more about myself
And since im always learning about myself while trying to conqour this stage fright
ill continue to master the mic with all my might so that some day my emotion may be set free

so since you can't connect to me telepathically
ill stand in front of this mic and try to learn the art of empathy
and if I come off with a great deal of apathy
then please be patient as I learn the words needed to express myself indefinitely

human

i am human
i know this because that is what i have learned
i have learned this because this information was taught
but these days im having to teach myself
which is a pleasure to do
and lately ive had an obsession with words

words are observations that have been defined
observations are done by our senses
they provide us with perspectives
perspective is commonly taught in art
therefor i will learn the art of words
for words are an art of passion

so be patient with me as i express myself in art
for me being me is an art of being human
and words are what we humans feel we know most
so lets look further at what it means to be human

human as a noun is defined as
distinguished from an animal or (in science fiction) an alien
this definition i have learned because someone defined it
defining something is defined as
to state or describe exactly the nature, scope, or meaning of "something"

when searching for the nature of being human
i am presented with ideas that i am a form
when searching for what kind of form i am presented with a man
a man is defined as
an adult person who is male
an adult is
a fully developed person from maturity onward
a person is
a human being
a male is
an animal that produces gametes


wait,
i am human, i have learned this, this means i am distinguished from the animals
i am a form, i have found this to be true, and my form is further defined as a man who is male
yet male refers to an animal, which i am not, unless human is falsely defined

there,
see that?
thats why ill continue to do what im passionate to do
continuing to learn what has been defined, defining what has not
and redefine what needs to be

what needs to be is also something i am passionate to learn
it presents a question of what is honesty and what is truth
in the midst of this abyss i learn by examining you and i
cause thats what needs to be, you and i in "this"

"this" is humanity
humanity means to be humane
humane is defined as
showing evidence of moral and intellectual advancement
evidence i have learned is related to results
results end when humanity ends
humanity will end when we stop being humane
i know this because of what i learned about being a human person
durring the learning about the human person i have also found
A human is a member of a species of bi-pedal primates in the family Hom-in-i-dae (tax-on-o-mic-ally Homo sapiens—Latin: "wise man" or "knowing man"). DNA and fossil evidence indicates that modern humans originated in east Africa about 200,000 years ago.

because i previously was taught what a fossil is i know that this means i will die

so come along with me again another time as i continue to learn for the benefit of man kind
about a world of words that are all to easy not to trip on
but because i am passionate about them i will continue to try to live humanely before i die

If i am to give you my all

Days like this make me want to put yesterday on repeat
Uncertainty will shake the core of the normal man
God will refocus the man he calls his child
God you have prepared me
You have shown me your signs
However I continue to fosake you
I continue to learn at the speed of a young babe
Solid food is my desire but I feel like I'm working with mush
Not a bad thing I suppose, I am being prepared for a complete meal
A feist even!
You have your hand in mine and have securied my fate in your will
If I am to follow you
If I am to give to you my all
Ohh lord how I pray for it all to be taken from me
How easy it would be to become part of your wrath!
How protected I feel in your undying patience, love and devotion

My heart cries for justice withen me
The clutches of sin come around like a carousel
Each one a new beast with wings or claws to shine in splendor
With the bit of satan in their mouth they are guided toward this son of yours
With your name engraved on my spirit I am resting in its divots
Tooooooo shallow to be unaware of the evil that surrounds me sometimes I wish it was more like a canyon
Yet I am aware ever still

My desires are for your will
I plee for you to know this hearts desires
I ask to be enligtened of your purpose
You ask for me to continue to cleanse, repent

Further interesting is how you continue to seperate me from my earthly desire
The woman, a wife, the longing for her touch
The home, its foundation, building up a concrete comfort
Yet you are helping me focus OOOn the things to bring me IIIIN closer union with your plan
The church, your family, my position withen it brightening
The job, its riches, the ability to steward that resource

Life is changing, life is breathing, life is moving with uncertainty and blosseming with your guidance and patience
It is true that it has been said the world will not understand the peace within me
In times like these I'm happy to find it inside,
a beating drum SOOo sound a comfort giving me strong knees

In this time of uncertainty I am thankful to have no one to love but you

like the flowing of ocean tides

Body dead to movement, no reason for your eyes to have purpose with me
slowly i breathe, trying not to focus on myself i try to calm my mind
but inside are circus freaks on trampolines, trapeze artists coaxing me to new heights
the mixture of desire, intentions and perceptions, many colors are in this dark room
a pallet of noises, spirits conversing here and there, making a rainbow a mess, without a care
mirrors reflecting self are mazes of deceit, no matter the strength of self
meeting you in this place happens more often than I am able to recollect
but if only to recall the pathway once again your voice i can not neglect
i try to, even thou i seek you, this conundrum will be a life long regret
ive asked to be open, to allow you in, completely aware is the desire of self
not always looking upward i know part of your divine truth is always living within
but without you up above there would be no commander, your name the capstone to the earths mothering breast
your word spoken so audibly clear, written down makes me a parable critic
truth forever seeking, design discovery brings great joy, takes away from sin
to the beauty of your truth all the flowers give reprise to your care
like the flowing of ocean tides, you draw me closer to send me out again
to feel your hand upon me, its comfort to none compares
so alone i sit, waiting for your caress, seeking temporary deliverance from this space
good will ambassador, my life is yours to change, let it mean something, help it show your praise
my shape one to mold, not to callas, but to be broken, to take your shape
with the world not to chafe, even though it would be hard not to, but i pray love takes its place
i pray to the heavens you'll meet me here again, like a fathers love yours is here with me

these hands

These hands, were built to build
built to instruct and receive instruction
battle thru division to work together
battle thru destruction to create new empires
and as i battle thru the wickedness that created this hell i am reminded of my heart

my heart i hold out in my hand in hopes that you will receive it
this hand works so you don't have to
its reward is in your eyes
this hand is full of hope
full of compassion
lacking restraint
has no polish but it sure does shine

this hand over here however wants to say fuck you
it is this hand that holds my gun
the one that has laid many bricks and looks ever Toooo sharply at protecting them
seeks reward in an eye for an eye
full of passion
lacking restraint
is polished and cleaned twice a day, but still holds no shine

these hands are my battle field
my protection
image creators
warm embracers
neighborly hellos
cigarette holders
road rage navigators
woman pleasers
self mutilators
sinners
deal makers
doctrine signers
and forgivers

and some people say they hold the truth to my destiny
only i know that theres no magic involved in these lines
for they are the legacy creators
country defenders
alliance pledgers
peace makers
page writers
yes these hands are history makers

think with me about these things for a moment
stretch your arms out as far as they will go
see the potential as they divide?
now bring them together, clasp them, unite
they know how to work together, they are of the same skin

we know how to work together, our hands have taught us this
our hands teach us balance as we walk thin lines
they have constructed sand castles
composed symphonies
painted without a need for a brush
caressed a face
silenced hate
kept a gun in its hostler
pointed at rainbows
worked together to play tug o war
and wrote i love you when it was hard to say

they are taxed, yet they never want to quit
they know no purpose but to act
diligent, tender forces
angels of the flesh
they have brought forth themselves saying, done, what's next
where is the work to be done
in which ways may i be used next
in whos life may my acts bring new fortune
and at the end of the day they will hold my heavy head once again saying job well done

They are but the branches of a tree called me

The truth is i can only make as much time for you as you make for me
because under it all thats the way we want it and make it to be
this rule sets up our days in an unspoken harmony
you are all my friends, if i could hang out with you every day you know i would
but because we know we cant, we feel it must continue this way
i will call you, you will cal me, some times your to busy and other times its me
however when we do make time for each other its life lived in unity

This push, shove, pull, live, kill, die, hardly have a moment to breath world, will not stop

This wake, read, work, type, present, share, empty your inbox, sit in traffic for an hour on the way home world, does not stop

This eat, drink, piss, shit, hug, kiss, leap and retreat, all in the hopes of finding love world, can not stop

This breakfast in bed, high school football practace, dance recitle, praise the lord, try to get a few hours of sleep before monday morning beggins world, should not stop

Its all the things previously experianced and all of the things hoped for
all the places we want to travel, the miles we have traveled, and the ones we want to travel once more
Its the things we know, the ones felt, the ones we are learning, and what we want to feel along with everything else inside of us that makes up this thing called understanding
its the flutter of a heart crushing once again, and the calousing of a heart broken like a limb

these limbs of life, the people in ours, and the roads we have traveled to become what we are are the reasons we move forward
They are but the branches of a tree called me
these passions, my desire, the one that i pray to, all the feelings i have deep inside me adding fuel to my fire
they are but the roots of the tree called me, giving me permission to live


stop

slow down

stop for just a moment



catch a breath, go on, catch another more
hold one, notice that? do hear that?
welcome to yourself
welcome to your inner thoughts that are the center of your being

stop
slow down
stop for jsut a moment
dont get scared, its only you,
its only who youve always wanted to be
NOT TURE? ,TO MUCH?
you wanted to be someone else?
then youve got to, stop, slow down, and take a few more moments or two to examine yourself
do this daily
make it a habbit
do it every hour
so that when you are becomeing what you have set your goals to be
you dont forget everything that you are, why it is, and why you want to become everything else that you know your meant to be


friend i will remember you, in this shape and in the next
i will take time out to breath with you, and ill be waiting untill the next
you are all loved, each and everyone of you, i know that you are something i can not replace.

and now be certain of this

Angles are around us, there are daemons here to
the world has a fourth dimension
a spiritual realm that holds a new set of questions
it is here surrounding you
It is the reasons you ask why and the reason you know how

Meditation can be taught, a mindset to set the mind free
Prayer is often mimicked, a way to talk to god
But you can combine the two, in every step you walk
new ways of understanding god we must not mock

You have shown me of his beauty
and you have shown me of his truth
because of you i know that there are many sides of him i may never see
but know that all sides of him are love
so that he may forever hold you in ways that most of us wont

Some people speak out of mind,and others out of heart
we all do it differently ,but it should not pull us apart
this is not more of that peace love and happiness bullshit that has been sprinkled on us but left for the wind
its the truth of humanity, that we all are made of the same dirt

I could chose to plagiarize your actions to use your words
but i know that i have my ideas and that yours are yours
may we learn more about one another so that our words may not hurt each other as they do


and now be certain of this
as i am certain of my own form
my heart is very strong
it speaks often without caution
It will speak before the mind gives it the ok to do so
but my prayer forever is
that my soul will overwhelm me
so that one day it may keep a hold on my wayward heart

moisture in the air

You are the moisture in the air
you give life to every cloud in the sky
and altho you may not always be of desired taste
your purpose is always true and you always come though

You entertain the minds of dreamers
you are worshiped by the ones whose religions are ageless
you bring life to all of the earth
and you bring sorrow to the ones already in despair

the forms in which you are able to present yourself in are endless
the beauty that is in each of them is timeless
i go silent thinking that you could be making them just for me
and my heart is warm knowing that you are hear to serve the masses

So as you build up a new collection of self
in a shape that is as true as all of the others
know that i am watching the sky once again
and that i am encouraged my your truth evermore

I know what love is

Love was when my mother got pregnant so she could leave her husband for my father
Love is when they had my brother to bring new life into their marriage
Love is when my father took her back to raise a child that wasnt his
Love is when my mother danced on that pole to make sure I had something to eat
yeah i know what love is

Love is when I was told my graduation present was luggage
Love is when I moved across the state to remain with my high school sweetheart
Love is when Her father paid for my enterance fees into college
Love is staying single for years after the breakup cause no one compaired
yeah i know what love is

Love is when you drive an hour twice a week to see the one your with
Love is when you move in with her even thou you think its a bit premature, but you know it will make her happy
Love is when you talk about how you may be falling out of love understanding that it may have never been meant to be
Love is wanting to stay true to her even after shes defied you
yeah i know what love is

Love is being bold enought to explore the depthes of yourself in order to find yourself
Love is traveling many miles to meet many great people in hopes to prove yourself
Love is finding yourself in yourself and knowing that youve been great all along
Love is shaking yourself out of yourself and being able to stay true to your form
yeah i know what love is

Love is staying single cause of that one girl that was a woman
Love is patiently waiting for that time to come when you you two have a chance to be one
Love is not acting on that first chance but walking together as friends first
Love is walking as friends, feeling like lovers, and trusting the lords love above all else
yeah i know what love is

if heaven was a sub directory of a huge .com
i wouldn't make it a favorite
cause i dont want to miss the homepage
i dont want to take the shortcut
but i would remember how i got there
so that next time it was easier to navigate thru the pages
instead of jumping right to it
and missing life's lessons

untitiled

My thoughts are trapped in what is supposed to be a digital diamond mine
every time i open this "notebook" i look to find them
i look for yours
i always record mine
and like the lines of this poem
they will forever remain diamonds hidden in a digital crust
collecting digital dust
in a digital mine
for others to dig though
and although they may never find them
my hopes are that like me
they are looking
because someone is here
and someone is forever searching

My spirit forever reminds me about the pleasures of analogue

because when my fingers hit a keyboard they go clickety clack
and when my thumbs are on my blackberry they go tappety tap
and when i am up here speaking to you my lips go smackety smack


but the part i want to learn again most
is how to make the pen go every flowing with analog rhythms on the paper that is pure in form
without all the clickety tap smack
paper is a lost pleasure
paper is the child of a tree that was cut for for you and me
because of you and me
because once we told someone that we wanted it
only now were going away from it
we are not in as high demand for it and we recycle it
so now what have we got to say to the man who cuts it from the tree

My soul will forever give instruction to mind and spirit
it is forever true to me
it will talk to you two if you ask it to
there is part of this god signal in everything
in everyone as we continue is the makers world
there are the signals of the makers and the signals of god
my mind forever tries to sort thru them
my spirit is forever in tune to them
and my soul is true to them

when my dog whines

when my dog whines it makes me not want to have any children
and i love children
ive wanted them since i was a small child
i can remember day dreaming about wanting these children
knowing that in those days,
when i do have a kid
ill be able to hang out with some one just like me
someone that would recharge this spirit keeping it forever young
someone that would wear me out doing all the things that i had once done, and still love to do
only now that im older i know ill get tiered and i will have to stop and take a breath or two

this is what happens when my dog whines

and it takes me more than a breath or two to get past the whimpers that keep us both awake
him in his cradle and me in my bed
he has got his room right next to mine
but the bathroom door is in no way a mute to his never ending whines
"what is it water?, food, for sure i know you want love"
"do you need to go potty, or is it a chew toy you can get to?"
These questions i must ask each night before bed,
his whining always ringing inside my thick head

Yes i want a child,
someone to raise with their mother
a little guy with eyes like his father
someone to guide thru the forests and take on trips
a little girl that would have an older brother
someone to nurture and be a man for
yes i want to have little tikes to read books too
to cuddle up on the couch and watch sunday cartoons with
to cuddle up with mom with and take afternoon naps with
a healthy little family
doing healthy little things
in a healthy little home
where everyone gets good sleep

but these days its becoming harder to think like a father as the whining keeps me from my bed

Ive said some mean things abot this pup that make me question my patience
and i wonder what sorta mean things my father must have said when he must have lost his patience
cause i know if im sick or tiered tomorow im going to blame it on that whinny little dog
and this, this very fact is what brings me into disgust
and this, this very act is the one that torments my soul exposing rust
ive never been quick to anger
so quick to acting unjust
but when my dog whines,
its like when i witness the daemons clawing at my spine
for it is in this act that grips and devours my mind
for it is in his whimpering whimps that make me cry

and as i crawl into bed for the fourth time trying to correct his actions and in order to keep my head on straight
i wonder how much longer i can keep up the dream of one day having a child
cause god knows i struggle getting to them with the ringing of my pups whines in my head